I am currently reading two books.
One is a book about fighting for your marriage, the other is Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship.
To supplement both of these I am also going through the Life Recovery 12 step devotional series.
Yes, I am doing a great deal of reading :)
Incidentally my church has been treading carefully through the book of Hebrews over the past few months, and I am finding more often than not a common thread binding all these varying pieces of literature together.
It seems to begin with a choice.
Not a choice that involves an action per say, but a heart willingness that LEADS to a great deal of action later on.
I realized this first with The Cost of Discipleship, when Bonhoeffer lays bare the failings of most believers, including himself, to truly COMMIT to following God wholeheartedly. He draws a line between a believer's lack of ability to rest in God's promises and the same believer's unwillingness to wholeheartedly follow God. If we are not committed to go wherever the Lord would lead, if our hearts are not entirely His, then there will be no rest. He doesn't speak of actions just yet, but only our initial WILLINGNESS OF THE HEART TO TAKE WHATEVER ACTION GOD MAY LEAD US TO. God will not give us a job to do until we are ready and willing to do it.
The same goes for our marriage relationships. I've read book after book about salvaging the relationship, fixing the relationship, growing the relationship, loving better in the realtionship, and I can keep on reading these books until my eyes give out. But not one iota of good will it do my marriage until I take the first crucial step. Willingness. I tend to read with a sort of deadly blind spot to my own responsibility. A certain willingness for sure, otherwise I wouldn't have picked up the book, but the kind of devotion that manifests itself in doing more dishes, asking more about his day and nagging less. Those may be all fine and good and necessary to make our relationship run more smoothly. But how deep does this sort of change go? Is it willing to also admit my more troubling flaws? Am I so determined to save my marriage, thrive in this marriage, and grow this God-ordained relationship that I am willing to look deep into my own heart, face the ugliness there, and make the decision to daily die to my sin (not flaws, not weaknesses. No, the word is SIN clear and through)? Devotion to marriage says "whatever the cost, whatever the pain, whatever the humility, I am willing to do it for the sake of the one I am called to love more than I love myself."
The same Bonhoeffer call to COMMIT. To BE WILLING. To CHOOSE to DIE TO SELF.
Onto Hebrews.
The believers were discouraged, persecuted and run down. They were falling back into the old ways, the old patterns, the old sin. Finding that their initial fervor had died down, and the fire inside them didn't burn so brightly anymore. The author of Hebrews responded to this turning back to sin with dire warnings. He warned them not to forsake what they had been called to. Not to turn away from the God who had saved them. He warned them of times in the past when Israel had fallen away and turned from the truth. He did not mince words when it came to painting the ugly picture of what happens to those who neglect to tend to their salvation. A lot of people are lost in the forest of debate: can we lose our salvation if we neglect it? Is salvation secure? Can we turn away and not be allowed back? But let's not lose sight of the bottom line: CLING TO GOD. Make a choice to CHOOSE GOD. Be willing to see your sin and repent. Be willing to come to God with your weakness and your failing. Choose God. Choose the life He has for you.
Willingness is key. A heart that does not yet act, but is absolutely ready and willing to GO WHEREVER HE LEADS. This is the key.
Sometimes I wonder if this first step is what gets neglected most of all. Its much easier to see action for God as the heart and soul of a believer's devotion. What we do, what we are called to. The great things God has in store for us. But I believe, and am coming to understand, that when God looks on our heart, He gives more merit to what we are willing to do. The readiness of a believer to go wherever God calls him to go.
The heart cry of "here am I Lord, send me." Whether it be into the mission field, into a church, into a family, into a relationship, into another person's life. If we start by fostering a heart of willingness than when the time comes for Jesus to guide us to the nest place in life, we will be able to put down our nets without question and follow Him wherever He goes.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, June 6, 2011
through the rubble
In a time of great pain I have, naturally, been diligently seeking God. Just one word from His mouth or a touch of His presence would sustain me, or so I assumed. After a few days of seeking His face and finding my heart still broken, I began to wonder why He was remaining so absent when my need was so great. I needed His love, His touch, His presence. I needed my pain to recede or at least become more manageable. I wanted the tears to stop, the sleepless nights to become restful. I wanted to find joy in the sorrow and peace in the storm.
Instead I found myself with anger, frustration, insomnia and empty boxes of tissues. My anger quickly turned to despair and self loathing, if God has chosen to ignore my cries then perhaps I had done something wrong. Maybe my misery was a punishment and God was demonstrating His displeasure with me by allowing it to continue.
It wasn't until this morning, with a quiet leading in my heart, that I picked up the broken pieces and grudgingly prayed for understanding before opening my latest read, incidentally about finding God in suffering.
"In our shallow, sensual way of looking at life, we tend to measure God's presence by the kind of emotion we feel. Happy feelings that make us want to sing, we assume, are evidence that God's Spirit is present. We think a sense of lostness or confusion or struggle indicate His absence."
Larry Crabb: Shattered Dreams
And a few pages later:
"When in the middle of terrible pain we cry out to God, He rarely grants an experience that, with our five senses, we can recognize as God showing up. The Presence of God is not naturally discerned. But as we abandon ourselves more to Him, a confidence emerges, a sense of His Presence, that only the awakened spiritual capacities of the soul can identify. A quote from Iain Matthew:
'It is a Presence that emerges from within, from behind; as if one entered a room and sat there on one's own; then, after some minutes, yes there is someone there, has always been, a silhouette becoming clear. It is a kind of companionship and inner strength which walks with the soul and gives her strength, a presence that is gentle, imperceptible, dark, which evaporates if one tries to describe it...but which sustains life.'
To the degree that pain teaches us that our deepest desire is for God, we will abandon ourselves to Him. We'll do whatever it takes to create an awareness of space in our souls that only He can fill. And in His mercy, we'll find a confidence developing that He IS there, that He has indeed entered our space. We may not sing, but we will believe. We will rest. Eventually we will sing. That's a guarantee."
My expectation of God was not that His presence would sustain me at all, but that His power would be used to offer me relief from my pain. I had put hope in that my circumstances would alter and I would be allowed to be free from the source of the hurt, so as to have to avoid going through it. It is usually in hindsight that I see the hand of God working in my life. But I am glad to know that it is clear, if only after a time.
It is easy to see why the comfort of lesser things, such as relief from pain, would be preferred over that quiet arrival of God's strengthening presence. The first gives us the ability to avoid our deepest pain, the second gives us the ability to face the pain and go through it. It is only through the rubble of what we have lost that we can find Him mighty. Sometimes the worst circumstances have to happen so that the greatest good can result. The greatest good I want to seek now is a deeper relationship with God and a more complete intimacy with Him.
Instead I found myself with anger, frustration, insomnia and empty boxes of tissues. My anger quickly turned to despair and self loathing, if God has chosen to ignore my cries then perhaps I had done something wrong. Maybe my misery was a punishment and God was demonstrating His displeasure with me by allowing it to continue.
It wasn't until this morning, with a quiet leading in my heart, that I picked up the broken pieces and grudgingly prayed for understanding before opening my latest read, incidentally about finding God in suffering.
"In our shallow, sensual way of looking at life, we tend to measure God's presence by the kind of emotion we feel. Happy feelings that make us want to sing, we assume, are evidence that God's Spirit is present. We think a sense of lostness or confusion or struggle indicate His absence."
Larry Crabb: Shattered Dreams
And a few pages later:
"When in the middle of terrible pain we cry out to God, He rarely grants an experience that, with our five senses, we can recognize as God showing up. The Presence of God is not naturally discerned. But as we abandon ourselves more to Him, a confidence emerges, a sense of His Presence, that only the awakened spiritual capacities of the soul can identify. A quote from Iain Matthew:
'It is a Presence that emerges from within, from behind; as if one entered a room and sat there on one's own; then, after some minutes, yes there is someone there, has always been, a silhouette becoming clear. It is a kind of companionship and inner strength which walks with the soul and gives her strength, a presence that is gentle, imperceptible, dark, which evaporates if one tries to describe it...but which sustains life.'
To the degree that pain teaches us that our deepest desire is for God, we will abandon ourselves to Him. We'll do whatever it takes to create an awareness of space in our souls that only He can fill. And in His mercy, we'll find a confidence developing that He IS there, that He has indeed entered our space. We may not sing, but we will believe. We will rest. Eventually we will sing. That's a guarantee."
My expectation of God was not that His presence would sustain me at all, but that His power would be used to offer me relief from my pain. I had put hope in that my circumstances would alter and I would be allowed to be free from the source of the hurt, so as to have to avoid going through it. It is usually in hindsight that I see the hand of God working in my life. But I am glad to know that it is clear, if only after a time.
It is easy to see why the comfort of lesser things, such as relief from pain, would be preferred over that quiet arrival of God's strengthening presence. The first gives us the ability to avoid our deepest pain, the second gives us the ability to face the pain and go through it. It is only through the rubble of what we have lost that we can find Him mighty. Sometimes the worst circumstances have to happen so that the greatest good can result. The greatest good I want to seek now is a deeper relationship with God and a more complete intimacy with Him.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Intimacy with the Almighty: First Steps
"Can you discover the depths of God? Can you discover the limits of the Almighty? Theu are as high as the heavens, what can you do? Deeper than Sheol, what can you know?"
Job 11:7-8
As important and intriguing as divine depths may be, they defy discovery by the natural means of our minds. He reserves these things for those WHOSE HEARTS ARE COMPLTELY HIS...FOR THSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO WAIT BEFORE HIM. Only in that way can there be intimacy with the Almighty. --Charles Swindoll
And so I wait. Mentally composing a grocery list, planning lunch for my daughter, thinking about all the chores I have to get done, the stresses I need to address, the nap I want to take, has my coffee kicked in yet and should I make a second cup?, am I doing this right?, have I waited long enough?, will God speak if I quietly go about my day and keep an ear open as I multi-task through our time together?
I am not conditioned towards peace, towards patience, towards stillness. The Old Way of pulling myself up by my bootstraps must die. The New Way that says "come to Me and I will gove you rest" is the mantle I need to take up. A slave no longer, I am in a relationship that needs attention.
And so I wait. Waiting semi-patiently on the Lord to speak.
Job 11:7-8
As important and intriguing as divine depths may be, they defy discovery by the natural means of our minds. He reserves these things for those WHOSE HEARTS ARE COMPLTELY HIS...FOR THSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO WAIT BEFORE HIM. Only in that way can there be intimacy with the Almighty. --Charles Swindoll
And so I wait. Mentally composing a grocery list, planning lunch for my daughter, thinking about all the chores I have to get done, the stresses I need to address, the nap I want to take, has my coffee kicked in yet and should I make a second cup?, am I doing this right?, have I waited long enough?, will God speak if I quietly go about my day and keep an ear open as I multi-task through our time together?
I am not conditioned towards peace, towards patience, towards stillness. The Old Way of pulling myself up by my bootstraps must die. The New Way that says "come to Me and I will gove you rest" is the mantle I need to take up. A slave no longer, I am in a relationship that needs attention.
And so I wait. Waiting semi-patiently on the Lord to speak.
Friday, January 7, 2011
hopeless is the new hope
Since I am typing this from a smart phone you will have to forgive any errors in spelling, grammer or anything that gets cut off mid-sentence.
It has been a long spell of dry desert, and I feel like I have tread the same paths over and over again, finding hope in the hopeless and digging deep into unyielding earth to find nourishment for a need that could have been sated by the streams of living water flowing just outside my vision.
I wonder at the believers incredibly stubbornness. While hope is never far away, we continue our useless trek in order to find something to fulfill us elsewhere. I tend to say "we" when I ought to say "I."
Our enemy is unforgiving and this world is harsh beyond measure. It is an environment fraught with the mirages of false hope to lure us from a true higher calling. And I am beginning to realize that my own journey through the desert is based on a serious fear that God is not who He says He is. Intellectually I've stretched further but in my heart and soul I feel like something has long since been denied. I used to fall hard for the line that somehow I was at fault for this foray into worldly living, or that I was such a terrible Christian to sit in the presence of God and feel still so alone. Am I innocent? Far from it. But I am only living this life to the extent of my shallow abilities. How can I swim in an ocean of God's love when the level of intimacy with Him is barely deep enough to drown in? You only need a few inches of water and I have not even close to enough.
These constant plagues on my relationship with God have driven me to desperation. And a faint hope that the saying is truth: seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. I feel more like C.S Lewis.
"When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, you will be-or so it feels- welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate and all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face."
More to follow. Feel free to attempt to track.
It has been a long spell of dry desert, and I feel like I have tread the same paths over and over again, finding hope in the hopeless and digging deep into unyielding earth to find nourishment for a need that could have been sated by the streams of living water flowing just outside my vision.
I wonder at the believers incredibly stubbornness. While hope is never far away, we continue our useless trek in order to find something to fulfill us elsewhere. I tend to say "we" when I ought to say "I."
Our enemy is unforgiving and this world is harsh beyond measure. It is an environment fraught with the mirages of false hope to lure us from a true higher calling. And I am beginning to realize that my own journey through the desert is based on a serious fear that God is not who He says He is. Intellectually I've stretched further but in my heart and soul I feel like something has long since been denied. I used to fall hard for the line that somehow I was at fault for this foray into worldly living, or that I was such a terrible Christian to sit in the presence of God and feel still so alone. Am I innocent? Far from it. But I am only living this life to the extent of my shallow abilities. How can I swim in an ocean of God's love when the level of intimacy with Him is barely deep enough to drown in? You only need a few inches of water and I have not even close to enough.
These constant plagues on my relationship with God have driven me to desperation. And a faint hope that the saying is truth: seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. I feel more like C.S Lewis.
"When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, you will be-or so it feels- welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate and all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face."
More to follow. Feel free to attempt to track.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Apples and Oranges
It really makes no sense to me.
The same way a flower would never choose to get picked, so a believer should never willingly make the choice to walk away from the Vine.
Every day I am caught between the desires of the world that pull and promise and entice. They sell their ideas like so many tempting wares, and I find myself moved to glance at the very least.
Choice number one.
Walking away is probably ten or so choices down the list of bad ones that I choose.
And once again it is laziness that is my undoing.
I am not so dramatic as to be pushed and pulled and flee and fall.
More so I am drawn into the boring and the mundane. The routine and the readiness of a different life. The world is all around me, beckonin and calling. Agressive in it's pursuit of my soul.
One mistep and it is ready to cover your tracks and disguise the fact that you ever followed that Man, Jesus.
Ready to convince you that THIS is where you always belonged.
It makes you feel as at home as it can, it tells you to ignore the nagging in your heart that speaks of a better life, the one you chose at the foot of the cross.
I know these words fall flat in their eloquence.
But heed the warning if nothing else.
Don't even glance at the apple, nor gaze at the tree.
The forbidden act may be in the taking and eating, but we are all only a few steps removed from that first bite.
The same way a flower would never choose to get picked, so a believer should never willingly make the choice to walk away from the Vine.
Every day I am caught between the desires of the world that pull and promise and entice. They sell their ideas like so many tempting wares, and I find myself moved to glance at the very least.
Choice number one.
Walking away is probably ten or so choices down the list of bad ones that I choose.
And once again it is laziness that is my undoing.
I am not so dramatic as to be pushed and pulled and flee and fall.
More so I am drawn into the boring and the mundane. The routine and the readiness of a different life. The world is all around me, beckonin and calling. Agressive in it's pursuit of my soul.
One mistep and it is ready to cover your tracks and disguise the fact that you ever followed that Man, Jesus.
Ready to convince you that THIS is where you always belonged.
It makes you feel as at home as it can, it tells you to ignore the nagging in your heart that speaks of a better life, the one you chose at the foot of the cross.
I know these words fall flat in their eloquence.
But heed the warning if nothing else.
Don't even glance at the apple, nor gaze at the tree.
The forbidden act may be in the taking and eating, but we are all only a few steps removed from that first bite.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Familiarity
Sometimes I forget that humanity is the disease we all suffer from.
Sometimes I expect perfection when I really ought to settle for a heart broken by it's sin.
I tell myself that I am non-judgmental and that I am not swayed or altered by someone who falls or fails, and then the opportunity arises to exercise this belief and wham! I'm repulsed by what I see and I recoil in blatant disgust.
I have been following a devotional by Charles Swindoll, and he has mentioned several times the concept of bringing sin before God. He urges me to take those moments of sin revealed and bring them before the throne of God and have them put to death.
Instead...
Well, I am much more likely to excuse my own sin away.
I want to justify it, minimize it, and make sure God knows exactly why this thing He finds so despicable is really not so bad....and especially not so bad compared to “that guy” and HIS sin.
Why do I want to hold on to my sin? Why am I so determined to save face in front of God who can see behind the mask? Is it for His benefit or for mine?
If it is something I do to hide from God than I am wasting my time.
And if it is for my benefit..then I am also wasting my time.
All in all I am better off by far, bringing my sin into the light and pressing onwards.
I think it has to do with a clinging to this world. This life wants to us to put our best foot forward, our best reputation out for all to see, our best smile on to face the world.
God says come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.
The world says, shape up before you walk in the door, I'm tired and don't feel like dealing with your baggage.
We learn from an early age to clean up before we present ourselves, we don't like to come as we are, but rather how we feel we ought to be.
God says, I already know, you can't hide, let me take your burdens away.
And yet we shove our dirty hands in our pockets and make excuses about how they got that way in the first place.
God can wash us clean
but we would rather split hairs over how it isn't our fault, that mud puddle came out of nowhere.
Bring your sin before God, be rid of it before it destroys you. Don't hide in the dark. The light of day is terrifying as it will expose us for who we really are, but only before our Loving Father Who already knows!
Sometimes I expect perfection when I really ought to settle for a heart broken by it's sin.
I tell myself that I am non-judgmental and that I am not swayed or altered by someone who falls or fails, and then the opportunity arises to exercise this belief and wham! I'm repulsed by what I see and I recoil in blatant disgust.
I have been following a devotional by Charles Swindoll, and he has mentioned several times the concept of bringing sin before God. He urges me to take those moments of sin revealed and bring them before the throne of God and have them put to death.
Instead...
Well, I am much more likely to excuse my own sin away.
I want to justify it, minimize it, and make sure God knows exactly why this thing He finds so despicable is really not so bad....and especially not so bad compared to “that guy” and HIS sin.
Why do I want to hold on to my sin? Why am I so determined to save face in front of God who can see behind the mask? Is it for His benefit or for mine?
If it is something I do to hide from God than I am wasting my time.
And if it is for my benefit..then I am also wasting my time.
All in all I am better off by far, bringing my sin into the light and pressing onwards.
I think it has to do with a clinging to this world. This life wants to us to put our best foot forward, our best reputation out for all to see, our best smile on to face the world.
God says come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.
The world says, shape up before you walk in the door, I'm tired and don't feel like dealing with your baggage.
We learn from an early age to clean up before we present ourselves, we don't like to come as we are, but rather how we feel we ought to be.
God says, I already know, you can't hide, let me take your burdens away.
And yet we shove our dirty hands in our pockets and make excuses about how they got that way in the first place.
God can wash us clean
but we would rather split hairs over how it isn't our fault, that mud puddle came out of nowhere.
Bring your sin before God, be rid of it before it destroys you. Don't hide in the dark. The light of day is terrifying as it will expose us for who we really are, but only before our Loving Father Who already knows!
Childs Play
Oh my daughter, I look at you and feel the heart of the Heavenly Father beating every clearer in my mind. I never knew that I could feel what I do or learn what I've learned as a result of you being brought into my life.
Though hard times have come and gone, and yet will come again, I cannot help the desire within me to rejoice always for the blessing you are to me.
The first time I held you in my arms it was like the Grinch from that Christmas story, and his heart's ability to grow three sizes never seemed so possible.
It was only the beginning of new discoveries about myself.
The first time someone told me you weren't that cute (whatever possessed them I will never know) I found in myself the sense of certainty that if I needed to I could kill another human being on your behalf.
The first time you smiled at me I found that I could, in fact, shed tears of joy and not only ones of sorrow or pain.
And throughout every day, every second and minute of passing time, I have discovered fresh resolve and stronger determination to go to the lengths of my power to make the world a better place for you to be in.
The love of my Heavenly Father never seemed to breathtakingly real.
The love I feel for you is but a shadow and an echo, my child, of the love of your Creator. The One who fashioned and formed you, who has ever hair on your head numbered, who holds the days of your life in His gentle hands...
His love is like an ocean compared to mine that is but a puddle in comparison.
He will pursue you and woo you.
He will comfort you and strengthen you.
His arms are always open and His love will never come to an end.
As reliable as He was the day that you first met, so He will always be.
He never changes His mind, never wavers in His stance, never backs down on a promise.
And He has promised to love you with His furious, unrelenting love all the days of your life, and will send you into eternity with His name on your lips before He gathers you in His arms one final time.
And even then you have the rest of the ages to spend in His presence, where there is fullness of joy.
My heart breaks with the idea that there are times I have, and will continue to let you down. Though I will try my hardest and never want for anything less, my day of failure will come and I pray that it will not rock your faith in my love.
But more importantly, put your trust in a Faithful God.
This world and the people in it will always let you down, but your Father never will.
When all else crumbles, you will be held.
I thank you now for everything God has spoken through you. For your smile like sunshine and giggles that can't help but move me.
For your unabashed affection and desire for my time and attention.
For the need to cuddle that you inherited, and for the ridiculous nature you probably picked up due to proximity.
Thank you for teaching me what it means to be selfless.
Though hard times have come and gone, and yet will come again, I cannot help the desire within me to rejoice always for the blessing you are to me.
The first time I held you in my arms it was like the Grinch from that Christmas story, and his heart's ability to grow three sizes never seemed so possible.
It was only the beginning of new discoveries about myself.
The first time someone told me you weren't that cute (whatever possessed them I will never know) I found in myself the sense of certainty that if I needed to I could kill another human being on your behalf.
The first time you smiled at me I found that I could, in fact, shed tears of joy and not only ones of sorrow or pain.
And throughout every day, every second and minute of passing time, I have discovered fresh resolve and stronger determination to go to the lengths of my power to make the world a better place for you to be in.
The love of my Heavenly Father never seemed to breathtakingly real.
The love I feel for you is but a shadow and an echo, my child, of the love of your Creator. The One who fashioned and formed you, who has ever hair on your head numbered, who holds the days of your life in His gentle hands...
His love is like an ocean compared to mine that is but a puddle in comparison.
He will pursue you and woo you.
He will comfort you and strengthen you.
His arms are always open and His love will never come to an end.
As reliable as He was the day that you first met, so He will always be.
He never changes His mind, never wavers in His stance, never backs down on a promise.
And He has promised to love you with His furious, unrelenting love all the days of your life, and will send you into eternity with His name on your lips before He gathers you in His arms one final time.
And even then you have the rest of the ages to spend in His presence, where there is fullness of joy.
My heart breaks with the idea that there are times I have, and will continue to let you down. Though I will try my hardest and never want for anything less, my day of failure will come and I pray that it will not rock your faith in my love.
But more importantly, put your trust in a Faithful God.
This world and the people in it will always let you down, but your Father never will.
When all else crumbles, you will be held.
I thank you now for everything God has spoken through you. For your smile like sunshine and giggles that can't help but move me.
For your unabashed affection and desire for my time and attention.
For the need to cuddle that you inherited, and for the ridiculous nature you probably picked up due to proximity.
Thank you for teaching me what it means to be selfless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)